I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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