Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
