...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize