mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
