at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
