I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize