How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I queefed so loud it echoed.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
