Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize