You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
