i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
