My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
