The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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