respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
