Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize