Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize