I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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