Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
