I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
