just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We have so much sex to catch up on
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
