True but thats because hes a fetus.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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