What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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