Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
