I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
