U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
time to smoke my breakfast
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
