I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
