So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
