Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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