I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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