I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
