So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
