There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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