Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
