Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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