jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I didn't shave. On purpose
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
