If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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