bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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