your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
