alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
