i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
