Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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