i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
