the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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