I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
