get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
