im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
