I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
