I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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