Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
love makes seman taste better
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
