I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize