He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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