My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
