Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
