her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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