The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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