So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
