i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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