Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
