the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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