First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize