It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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