sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
