and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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