Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize