Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
