woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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