I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
