all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
