I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
